Psychologists and experts offer advice for dealing with awkward questions and conflicting debates at lunches and dinners this holiday season

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The holidays are approaching and most people will have to go through some family meal where they can share a table, time and conversation with people they may not have seen for a long time, with whom they are separated by many years or ideological differences. After the pandemic years in which there were no mass celebrations, this year it seems that the full tables will return, and this generates excitement in many people, but also laziness, anxiety or nerves. And the fact is that getting back together again means, for many, facing uncomfortable questions again - couples who have to endure the barrage of inquisitive comments to find out why they don't have children, young people who are asked when they will bring the boyfriend or girlfriend, etc. – or having to put up with the know-it-all brother-in-law, the retrograde aunt, or the bouncing teenagers who only look at their cell phones. 


The psychologist Dolors Líria recognizes that this year "there is a great desire to have a normal Christmas" and that this can lead to experiencing the holidays "with great joy because we are happy to meet again and we give importance to enjoyment" or, on the other hand, it can lead to "experiencing a certain anxiety and restlessness to see how everything will go after so much time, and this can add an emotional intensity to parties that are already very intense". 


José Ramon Ubieto, professor of psychology and educational sciences at the UOC, expresses himself in the same way, who assures that it is not possible to generalize because each family is a world but, nevertheless, "there are many families who look forward to this Christmas because after the pandemic it is more exciting to be back to normal". Despite everything, remember that there are also many people who live these dates with anxiety or doubts because "families are a place where there are many passions, where many things happen, good and bad, and often there are many pending issues, and this is seen when Christmas comes and the gatherings”. 


A wild card question


To try to lower the tension and ensure that the meals go well, Dolors Liria advises us to focus on one key question: "How are you?" According to the expert, when we ask this question we are giving the other person the opportunity to tell us how they feel, what has happened during the time we haven't seen each other, "and then very interesting questions can come up". Although the psychologist recognizes that there is no general formula that works for all families, she believes that this question can be a good wild card. "Then there are families who really like to debate and others who are uncomfortable with conflict; therefore, it is not possible to find a recipe that is valid for everyone”. She advises avoiding comments that could make the other person feel that we are judging or asking for explanations, "because that will not make anyone feel good - she says -. 



What is clear is that there are subjects "that arouse passions and can generate a lot of friction", says the psychologist, and they are, above all, politics and religion. "Conversations on these issues can generate conflicts at the table", he warns. The American non-profit organization The Family Dinner Project, which is dedicated to helping families to have more meals together - and in peace - expresses itself in the same line. This entity highlighted in an article in The Washington Post that talking about political issues during Christmas meals "is a way to derail the good atmosphere at the table", and they advise that when things get heated "don't try to change ideas politics of the other diners, just try to change the subject”. 


Politics as a channeler of tensions


For José Ramon Ubieto, the most complicated issues and which can bring more friction to the table are, first of all, "issues of family inheritances", because "they are economic and at the same time sentimental issues that arouse many passions and are not at all rational ”, so, according to him, it is not a good idea to treat them in party meals. Ubieto also agrees that, apart from this, politics is the other big conflicting issue. "It can generate a lot of tension, we have seen it with issues such as the independence of Catalonia and the Process, and we also see it with issues of the right or the left, but we must bear in mind that these frictions are often a way of channeling differences or tensions that they already exist These are topics that bring out previous negative feelings", he warns. 


What often happens is that these topics, like politics, cause the conversation to quickly heat up and the atmosphere at the table becomes rare. What do we do when the situation gets out of hand? "We have to think how to ensure that the problem does not get worse", says Dolors Líria. "Everything that has to do with emotions, when it is on the rise, causes thought to be blocked and we start to have impulsive actions (saying the wrong things, responding aggressively, etc.), and for this reason we must avoid climbing", he says. For the psychologist, the best strategy is that, "if we see that there is tension over a specific issue, we must help those involved in it to defuse the situation or change the subject, and if we are the ones involved stuck we need to find distance to reduce internal tension, and this can be done by getting up from the table for a moment, 


Ubieto recognizes that "all families have their black holes, which are those conflicting issues that always end badly", and before this he recommends keeping in mind "that we should not try to fix things at a dinner party". Christmas meals are not a place for mediation or a consultation with a psychologist, we must focus on what we have in common and not on what separates us", he advises. 


Another piece of advice The Family Dinner Project gives to make Christmas get-togethers quiet is to stop asking people when they're bringing their partner, when they're getting married or when they're having children. "There are people who have made the decision not to have children, others who may be going through a complicated fertilization process or even have recently suffered an abortion", warns the organization, and these questions they can be "intrusive or painful". Dolors Liria recognizes that these questions and comments can "generate a lot of discomfort", but also recommends "finding strategies to manage them". "If the questions are asked by a person of an older generation, we have to think that maybe he is not considering certain difficulties that we may be experiencing. Pretending they don't ask these questions is unrealistic, but we have several options," he says. "One is to prepare and know how to place ourselves before the idea that this happens. If we know that that issue is delicate for us, it would be best to prepare an adaptive response and try to put it into perspective, thinking that the other person has not done it with bad intentions." Another option, according to the expert, is to "assertively set limits, without hurting the other person, and tell the other person that we don't want to talk about that subject because it's difficult for us." 


But how is it that there are people who are able to make such unfortunate comments or questions and not even realize it? Líria says that this "has to do with the ability to connect with the inner world of others". It is a characteristic that goes beyond empathy, he points out, and is more “a lack of connection with the impact that what we say to others can have”. Many people think that if something doesn't bother them, it won't bother others either, "but we may be wrong, because the other person may have a completely different experience, another sensibility..."


In conclusion, one thing that is very good, says Líria, is "being able to explicitly express how happy we are to see each other again and celebrate. This almost always works."



"Others are having a better time than I am"


Social media can become a major pressure factor this holiday season. Many people share family meals, trips or swords, gifts... They only show the most beautiful side and a sugary point of the reality of the Christmas holidays, and this can be a pressure for many people who end up thinking that the others are having a better time and that their parties are not interesting enough. "We must be clear that the networks are a great showcase and a great wrapper that covers any situation in a very beautiful way, but inside it may not be so beautiful", says the psychologist José Ramón Ubieto. This will help us distance ourselves from the dozens of seemingly ideal Christmas photos and videos that we will be seeing during these holidays. "The networks are not a real reference of life. They are not life, they comment on life.